Sunday, February 24, 2019

Bipolar & the Seven Deadly Sins: A Manic Essay

The first panic attack I ever remembered having I think I was around twelve. The details of the triggers or the event itself are hazy. But, oh, how I remember my current ones. I lose time as if I’m outside myself. My brain a misfiring of billions of neurons, I recognize them for the way my skin feels. It’s like it’s not…mine. Foreign and cumbersome, almost like a cheap suit that’s too tight and the legs too short. Millions of bugs crawling beneath my skin. I pick, scratch, attempt to hurt myself for it to go away. It’s only when I skip my count, my prayer beads don’t spin as smoothly as I roll them between trembling thumb and forefinger that the rage starts.

Hallucinations form with the building crescendo of every labored breath—each more ragged and painful than the one before it. Time ceases and I’m frozen, skinning the flesh from my arm, setting myself on fire, removing fingers, and driving 100 miles per hour into oncoming traffic and it doesn’t stop. Seconds, minutes, maybe an hour goes by and I’m back, yet always a piece missing. I know I should feel terrified, no, horrified at what my mind devises for me. Yet I’m not.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

#New Release Picking Up the Pieces - #Excerpt

I'm Noah Linkletter, and I'm broken.
Shattered, really—and I've been trying my best to ignore my problems by chasing temporary highs wherever I can find them. I put my makeup on and dance my way through a club, and by night's end, I find a man who's willing to indulge in a little act of sin to help me forget the demons in my own head.
It only takes one moment for my entire world to turn upside down. I'm left bloody and beaten, but even through the haze I meet him.
Farid Hassan.
A man who is strong and intimidating yet calm and patient. A man who wants me, despite my demons. A man so wonderful, he's willing to help pick me up the pieces.

Maybe he'll succeed.
Available for Kindle Unlimited

Monday, December 31, 2018

The Year of Body Positivity and Diversity and Beyond

This year marked three years of sobriety, and six years of being off drugs. My mental health has taken hits left and right, but as the years progress I learn to adapt to my brain’s needs. We work together like a dysfunctional team and at this point in my life I couldn’t be happier with where I’m at. Yes, things could be better. Yet I won’t complain because it could be so much worse. While I still think about alcohol and drugs daily, my darker thoughts are fewer and farther between. Days can pass without thought of self-harm. Again, I have adapted to my brain’s, shall we say, eccentricities.

2018 has turned into an amazing year. I lived my dream of writing full-time and while I believe my time is limited in that aspect I enjoyed the months with nothing but words to toil away upon. There is no way to thank my readers enough for reading my stories and embracing bodies in all their shape and sizes, shades. When I branded myself as a body positive author to describe the characters I wrote, but it was a label I always wore no matter the tales I told.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Depression, Failing Self-Care & What's Left

It could be the holidays or just my usual mental state, but depression has been nipping at my heels for months. Several weeks ago, it sunk its teeth in and hasn’t let me go. I believe mental illness shouldn’t come with a stigma—some stupid reason we shouldn’t speak up.

As an Atheist, I’m not big on holidays or what they mean. Christianity pillaged pagans for their traditions, whatever, but it’s around this time everyone gets a bit down. We don’t have family to spend it with for whatever reason. It highlights our anti-social tendencies. Whatever it is, holidays just seem to exacerbate the shifting of our moods.

I don’t think that’s what has me down. Spending days in bed to awaken and just turn back over because I’m tired of existing. A week ago, I had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, my panic attack didn’t come on with that annoying tightening of my chest and the bugs crawling beneath my skin. The nosebleed which isn’t a normal part of my attacks. It hit me like a sledgehammer and I had no way of controlling it. All the counting, visualization, none of it worked and I let others see the weakness.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

The Struggle of Being an Inferior Storyteller

I debated long and hard about writing this post, but I had a need to get my thoughts out. If I deemed to post it than that’s why you’re reading it now. Let me start at the beginning, when I started this creative process of putting words to paper. Yes, I started writing back in the day when it was nothing but notebooks and those chunky word processors. Not everyone had a computer or internet, that was mainly for libraries and school computer labs.

I fell in love with the written word early in life due to my dad’s parents. I’d go to their house every weekend or every other, each night they’d lie down in bed before going to sleep to read and it was the start of a lifelong habit. Yet I didn’t read kid books, they loved detective stories and horror. I don’t know if I even understood them or the words, but I remembered loving them. It was getting lost in worlds where the good guy always won. I developed a fascination with Zane Grey and the mystique of the old west.

When people ask when I knew I wanted to be a writer, I always say at 8 when I wrote the worst poem know to the literary world. And maybe it did start there, but my life changed with one book. Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. He created a gritty world with all the nastiness and horror, surreal and realism combined. All I knew is I wanted to write one day. Be a published author.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

#NewRelease #SciFi The Rising Tide J. Scott Coatsworth #Giveaway

Author Name: J. Scott Coatsworth
Publisher: DSP Publications
Release Date: Tuesday, October 30 2018
Format: Paperback, eBook
Is This Book Romance?: No
ISBN: 978-1-64080-627-6
Price: 6.99 / 19.99
Story Type: Novel >50k
Word Count: 115K
Cover Artist: Aaron Anderson

Genres: sci fi, near future, space opera
Pairings: Various queer characters
Tropes: n/a
Keywords/Categories: gay, lesbian, transgender, future, generation ship, AI, artificial intelligence

Series Title: Liminal Sky
Position (Number) in Series: 2
Necessary to Read Previous Books: No, But It Doesn't Hurt

Warnings: refers to past consensual BDSM relationship for one character

Book Blurb:

Earth is dead.

Five years later, the remnants of humanity travel through the stars inside Forever, a living, ever-evolving, self-contained generation ship. When Eddy Tremaine and Andy Hammond find a hidden world-within-a-world under the mountains, the discovery triggers a chain of events that could fundamentally alter or extinguish life as they know it, culminate in the takeover of the world mind, and end free will for humankind.

Control the AI, control the people.

Eddy, Andy, and a handful of other unlikely heroes—people of every race and identity, and some who aren’t even human—must find the courage and ingenuity to stand against the rising tide.

Otherwise they might be living through the end days of human history.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Body Positivity/Diversity and Me

I've mentally planned this post and, also, rethought it hundreds of times. To start, let me explain a few things and why body positivity means so much to me not only as a person but also as an author. Picture if you will, a thirteen year old girl with already crippling body issues suddenly develops curves she's not ready for. She becomes painfully aware of the glances or outright stares she receives in gym class running laps. Those looks that follow the up and down motion as if watching a tennis match laying down. Said girl is fat and to her at that moment being fat, being female is one of the worst things she can imagine. How would that shape a persons body image for later in life? I'll answer that: badly.

The Body Positive Movement isn't anything new its just garnered more attention as models of size make themselves more visible. It's visible for the fact that body image shapes more than how we view ourselves but others as well. Those thoughts exist as a reflection of the insults we force upon ourselves, we use as judgements of others and what we say whether verbally or mentally about the way a person should be.