It could be the holidays or just my usual mental state, but
depression has been nipping at my heels for months. Several weeks ago, it sunk
its teeth in and hasn’t let me go. I believe mental illness shouldn’t come with
a stigma—some stupid reason we shouldn’t speak up.
As an Atheist, I’m not big on holidays or what they mean.
Christianity pillaged pagans for their traditions, whatever, but it’s around
this time everyone gets a bit down. We don’t have family to spend it with for
whatever reason. It highlights our anti-social tendencies. Whatever it is,
holidays just seem to exacerbate the shifting of our moods.
I don’t think that’s what has me down. Spending days in bed
to awaken and just turn back over because I’m tired of existing. A week ago, I
had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, my panic attack didn’t come on
with that annoying tightening of my chest and the bugs crawling beneath my
skin. The nosebleed which isn’t a normal part of my attacks. It hit me like a
sledgehammer and I had no way of controlling it. All the counting, visualization,
none of it worked and I let others see the weakness.
