On Turning 40, When You're Not Supposed To Be Here

Birthday are typically a time of celebration. Mine are more a moment of reflection. I'm not supposed to be here. I should've drawn in my last breath years ago. Milestones. A new year. A goal surpassed and a new one formed.

I found alcohol and drugs in my teens. They made me feel numb when all else was chaotic. They were my razor when I couldn't quite pull the metaphorical trigger. I had and still have a death wish, I won't deny it and will freely admit it. Death doesn't scare me and that may the most terrifying thing because we're supposed to have a healthy fear of being no more. I want to die. Not every day, but there are moments I just sit and wonder would the world be better without me in it.